If your like me, then you hate family gatherings. For two reasons.
1. there are too freakin many of them, seriously someone should have stop breading after like 4 children. Why such a perfect number? well cause I was number four and look how great I turned out. I know what your thinking, that's a reason to stop at three right there. Good point. I'm not that full of myself.
2. Why should we have to sit throughout hours of agonizing small talk with cousins, aunts and uncles. I mean seriously wasn't thanksgiving painful enough? 'You don't really care what I plan to do with me life, so don't ask. I don't want to talk to you.' You might say that this comment is a little harsh, but seriously do you want to sit there and talk to your aunts and uncles with that fake smile and constant eye twitching in the opposite direction while your talking?
So my friend gave me the idea to come up with a 'ten simple' rules theme for everything I come across. So here is my version of the ten simple rules to get OUT of a family gathering.
1. Work. Now I know everyone hates work, but seriously whats worse, going to a painful 8 hours of a family gathering then coming home and feeling like crap, or an 8 hour shift at work where you get to come home and relax?
2. Get sick. This is pretty easy if its close to Christmas. Easy, go steal a kid and get them to sneeze like crazy. I know disgusting, but believe me if your family is like mine, its worth it. Either that or tell everyone you have H1N1, they won't want you there.
3. Beg. If non of these two work, get on your hands and knees and beg. Hopefully your parents love you enough to give you a break. If not then seriously you really need to consider putting yourself up for adoption.
4. Run. As a kid we always ran away when nothing went our way, why not this time? I mean most of us at this point have our own vehicle and/or money. Find SOME way to get your ass out of the house and away from your parents.
5. Steal, now this here is probably not a good idea. Depending on your family you may want to skip this part. However for myself spending a night in prison is a hell of a lot better.
6. Insult your extended family, not only will it get you out of the up coming family gathering, but also every one after that. Its brilliant actually. It worked for my sister-in-law.
7. Fall down a flight of stairs. Hopefully this will break an arm or a leg. "Oh look! I got to go to the hospital" Great idea I know.
8. Make plans. This one is pretty lame, but personally I am running out of ideas to help you. If your parents are anything like mine, they will tell you to cancel. So make sure this person is as important to you as the Pope is to the Catholics.
9. Throw all your clothes in the dirt, of course make sure your wearing SOMETHING. I know running around naked may feel nice to you, but I am being generous when I say, no one else wants to see that. Just make sure what your wearing is completely unacceptable like my shirt that says "I see Dumb People" your parents aren't going to send you to a family gathering to insult everyone.
10. Try using persuasion on your parents, to convince them that the party was last week and they missed it. I mean it worked in Star Wars, why not live up to our Jedi potential now? Its not going to work but hey, they may just think your crazy enough to embarrass them.
You may like family gatherings and in that case...do you want to switch? Or if I like you enough I guess I can get them to adopt you back.
Another unasked for look into my mind...