These past couple of months, especially weeks something has been really off. For some reason I seem to be a little more angry and depressed than usual. Even my co-workers have noticed and now they no longer come up to talk to me.
Back around Christmas I was in the greatest mood, I was jolly and happy, despite the amount of people coming in. I would easily be able to make people around me laugh until they cried. However these past couple months I have failed at that miserably. I try, but it always seems that I completely fail. I have lost my 'mojo' as some might call it. I get angry and frustrated not only with things at work but also with myself. If I do or say something completely stupid then I get angry at myself. In those times I try to avoid people as much as possible in order to not take it out on them. It feels almost like they are avoiding me now altogether. Which makes me think that I did something wrong. Which of course I probably did, but since I can't make people laugh anymore, I almost feel useless. It was the only thing I had in order to make friends and keep them. In my opinion it was the only reason I have friends. They want to laugh and I use to be able to give them that.
Now I just feel like the young 18 year old, that is too immature and juvenile to hang out with the older crowd and it sucks. So then that's when the 'depression' kicks in. Depression seems too strong of a word for what I am feeling, a more proper word is probably low. I feel low, and then I get angry at myself for not doing something about it, but once I realize that I have no idea what the heck to say anymore, I just go back full circle. This vicious circle is frustrating me. What do I need to get back to the way I was? Do I need a vacation? Do I need to spend time alone? Do I need to spend time with family, or my high school friends instead of always being at work?
Its frustrating that I don't have the answers, and I apologize for writing this for my 'O' post but I just needed it to get written down and out there for suggestions.